Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Me ???

A bit more about the imperfectness called me...
I really dislike doing these pieces. It's just not natural for me to be talking about things that I feel are my weaknesses. But some seem to think I'm close to perfect and that I'm outgoing and confident... Uh hu... It may seem that way but I do have my own faults.

Writing this blog was started because I read what I saw as hurt from some other people. Hurt I can understand, it's been a really big part of my life. If by writing this blog I can make someone smile, let someone know they're not alone, can amuse someone for a few moments so they can have even a short break from their own situations, or show someone how they are hurting others in their life, then I'll feel I've done something worthwhile.

I do know loneliness and a troubled mind. By sharing my own loneliness I hope to let other lonely people know they are not alone. There are others and there are many... I've personally met many and I've shared time with many. They have put a smile on my face and I've even been able to make them smile. That may not be a cure, but it sure is nice to have even a short break from feeling lonely!

My own loneliness comes mostly from becoming very cynical.
Over a lifetime many people I thought were friends have shown they were nothing but back stabbers. Real nice to your face but ready to put you down and bad mouth you when you weren't around. So I no longer have more than a very few who I consider real friends. Others I can only feel are acquaintances. I've built walls that people would have to struggle to climb over to even get a chance at being a friend. That makes it real hard for anyone to even want to try... I understand that but yet, I've been hurt enough for one lifetime...

There are days that I let the defenses down and again start to get to know people, but then the next day I begin to fret over it and up again go the walls. The guy that was all talkative and fun to be around gets quiet. Kinda waiting to see what others have to say or what they might want to do. Then people feel uncomfortable and feel I don't like them so they kinda don't seem to want to be around me.

But also I don't feel right always being the leader. If someone else is always telling me what we are going to do I get to feeling that what I might want doesn't matter. I think it's right to share good times and a huge part of sharing is doing what others want. Is that so screwed up...

Then there is the lonely old guy that has no woman to complete him and enjoy life with. No one to sit on the porch with. No one to hold hands with. No one to play with. No one to talk over the day with. No one to dream dreams with. And yes, no one to mess up the sheets with.

But same problem. Been hurt enough that I've become cynical about love. At least a love for me. I've become so darned cynical about it I can't seem to even try any more.

I used to see a woman and see honest eyes, pretty smile, sexy hair, sexy figure, great looking butt, nice boobs, wrap around legs. Then I'd want to get to know her. No, I'd be determined to get to know her! The me cave man would want to take care of her and protect her!
Now... I look, think eh, OK, but I just see a female person. Seems the only thoughts I have are, wonder if she even knows what a pot is, or can even boil water. Wonder if she even cares about family, or is she one of those that feel kids are a burden. Wonder how afraid she is of physical work and getting dirty. Wonder how mad she'd get at me when I would be in the midst of a busy seasons and had to work from sun up to sun down and not leave the farm for weeks at a time. Wonder if she even knows how to spell responsibility. Wonder if she's just another lifelong partying fool with no sense of direction...
There is also my really messed up back that has me struggling to do anything a lot of days. Who could want to put up with that!
Then I just turn away and give up without even asking her name...

Now that's a super flaw. How could one ever overcome loneliness when the hope is lost before it can even begin...
There is a monstrous wall, very high, very wide and very very challenging. It's a wall I never even realized I was building until I found myself hopelessly trapped inside of. I can't even find a place to begin to build a door.

OK, that last line hurt. Guess I didn't realize it until I wrote it.
But I'm gonna go and get on with my day. Give me a bit and I'll find something to smile about. I always do. To me it's the only way to survive in a world that seems hell bent on making people feel bad.

So you! Don't feel sad for me. I won't for long, I refuse to dwell in sad!
Now get out there and make someone smile and for the sake of sanity...
Smile and laugh yourself, and have a great day!

Stop by next week for some more reality of me. It's a challenge, but I'm determined to show that I'm no super hero, just a common everyday guy with a life like anyone else.

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