Monday, April 30, 2012

What Comfort Zone

While working this weekend my mind was busy as usual. It never seems to shut down and give me a break. Just one day I'd like to ponder nothing...

Anyway, I was thinking about a trip I'm planning to make next month and about the person I plan to meet. I've known this person for a while now and have delved into their mind. I have a desire to see what they see. Want to see the area they live in. Want to get to know this person face to face.

So since I wasn't able to take that trip to Australia this year because of the health issues in January that lasted through February and what they did to my savings and that I'm planning taking three weeks off between planting and hay making seasons, I've decided to make a much shorter trip to the area they live and visit. Heck I'll probably take my fishing poles along and try the fishing there.

But it dawned on my wee mind just how timid, even slightly frightened I have been with the thoughts of this trip.
Not the trip itself I guess, but the meeting someone face to face that I've actually grown feelings for.

I've chatted with some here and there and on line, but I've never grown feelings other than really great friendships. There are some great minds I've connected with. A few even mentioned they were feeling romantic feelings. But they were to young for me in my mind. Sadly most of them quit talking with me when I left my old fashioned beliefs and feelings be known.

I just can not, no way, no how imagine me with someone the age of my oldest son or even close to that age. It's not that there wouldn't be or isn't desire. It's more that I'd always be wondering if I wasn't taking advantage of them. Their limited life experience as opposed to my longer life experience. Would I in some way be to convincing without even trying...

Getting back to the subject here though, I didn't realize just how much I have become comfortable with my running, hiding and staying away from potential relationships. Normal for me has become sidestepping then hiding from anyone who I feel is getting to close. Finding excuses not to allow them to get any closer and finding ways to put an ice cap on their feelings towards me.
I've only accepted friendship for the past twelve years. Got past the daily desires of man/woman connections. Now fearing those touching moments. Becoming I guess a kind of a monk.

Yes, I've grown quite comfortable with that. So now that someone has entered my life whose life parallels mine in many ways, who has been through a lot of the rough patches I've been through, thinks a lot like I do, is not afraid to work and play and get dirty, someone who enjoys the outdoors, nature and gardening, someone who isn't afraid to take underpaid work just to keep the bills paid and live, someone who can make me laugh and smile as much or maybe even more that I make them, someone who is close enough to my age that I don't feel a daddy or grandpap connection with, someone who has magically reached into my mind and opened it once again after so many years and I might add, someone who I found out recently is very very pretty. I am feeling feelings of fear of stepping into a possible future.

Not much causes me to feel fear. I live with daily physical pain and know that any pain more is only temporary and eventually will ease if only for a few days at a time. I've climbed on rock cliffs without the protection of ropes or even sound handholds. I've ridden cross country bikes and even traveled to fast for conditions and limped or walked away from dumb accidents. I've traveled to places not knowing a soul and felt safe getting to know locals. Even the ones considered bad people. I even learned to not fear loneliness and have found it to be a very helpful friend who can teach many good lessons if you take the time to listen to what rambles through your mind.

So in just one more way this interesting, wonderful person is opening my mind and making me want to step outside my comfort zone.
Yet taking that step is something I keep telling others they have to do to find a happy life. Could mine become any happier?

I find it easy to step out in search of a new job that sounds interesting. Step out and experience nature even when the potential is there to get hurt or worse. Step out and into situations where potential friends can be made.
But yet I do know and understand the feelings of trepidation. I also know that those feelings can help protect you and should be listened to. Not to stop you, but to be a warning to watch your step and be careful.

But into a world where once again “I” am feeling the desires to be with someone? OK, just how the heck has this happened... I really wasn't looking.

So if this being that has grown quite comfortable over a twelve year span wearing the shroud of loneliness that has been fitted just right, wearing the boots that only carry them on the path of life by theirself on a solitary path, wearing the listening devices and a protective mask to keep potential love away can step out.
Then I dare say anyone can.

Who knows what you and I might just find...
Maybe just a good memory to wind through your mind on a rainy day.
Maybe a friend.
Maybe a jewel to be cherished and worn as a smile.
Or just maybe a ray of bright warm sunshine to light up the rest of your life.

Only thing that is sure is that if you or I don't take that step, we will never know.

Friday, April 27, 2012

I Don't Wanna Be Me

It's not going to be my favorite weekend here. The truck needs some work... So there will be grease, oil and dirt. The darned throw out bearing for the clutch has been grinding for a while now and needs to be replaced.

Removing the transmission to get to it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for those cross-member bolts that seem to always rust to one solid piece instead of being happy to just be bolts and nuts.

While your having fun this weekend, think of me under the truck with dust dirt and grime falling into my hair and eyes. Falling into the collar of my shirt and making their way down my back to make me itch. Pray for my knuckles that I know will be bashed into steel when wrenches and ratchets slip. Feel bad for my head which somehow always manages to get banged against the frame of the truck when I forget where I am and how little room I really have.

All life isn't wine and roses. You can bet that after that job is complete though I will be having some wine. Or maybe even some Grand Dad. Maybe even a lot of Grand Dad!
But I doubt I'll be buying myself any roses...

I could think of so many better things to do for the weekend, but I also wouldn't want to be sitting along a road somewhere broke down not being able to shift gears.

Many times in life it is nice to be able to shift gears. Sometimes too we need to lay the fun aside to do work on things and repair them so we can keep on moving on towards the fun things. Otherwise the fun can be very badly and sadly interrupted.

There are times you need to sit alone and work on you. Times you may need to work on your relationship. Times you need to work on your home. Times when you need to work on your kids. Times you need to work on friendships. Even times you need to clean the toilet. Any of which I would rather be working on this weekend!

But oh well.
Such is life.
I'll just do it.
Then next weekend I'll be ready to get back to having fun.

Hope you have better plans and have a lot more fun, smiles and excitement this weekend than I will.
Even though I'm sure I'll be laughing at myself a lot! And I'm sure I'll be cussing myself when the wrench slips.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Nagging Thoughts

Nag, nag, nag...
Know what? If your tired of her nagging you should get up and do what it is she wants. If you want her to do things for you, you should always be ready and willing to do for her.
If you want to watch a game on TV or go play a round of golf, maybe you should spend the days before doing what it is she wants done.

How often do you show her your love...
That's something you should be doing every day. A few times a day.
Want her to show you love? Want her to not wonder about another man?
Keep her filled with your love.

I'm marrying her, not her family.
I'm marrying him, not his family.
You may think that sounds nice and you might even be living in some fantasy that allows you to believe that. Yet we are all products of our families. We will always be a part of our families. What we experienced while growing up and what we have learned will be with us for the rest of our lives. Much of what we learned will also be carried on and passed to our children.
Family will always be in the picture. Maybe in the dark shadows, but they are there.

Why can't he make me happy? Why can't he see what I need and just do it? Why can't he know what I feel and just be there for me? Why can't he...

How many times in our childhoods have we gone to an amusement park with the thoughts in our heads that it would be the most exhilarating experience possible and have been left down?

No other being can give us anything without knowing exactly what we want. Even with knowing exactly what we want it would still be open to the perception of the individual.

We have a bad tendency to expect others to live up to our inflated ideals. We like to believe that fairy tales which were written to entertain and show that hope is possible are exactly what life is supposed to be. We get our hopes and expectations up so high there is absolutely no where to go but down.

Then when we find ourselves divorced we refuse to learn and only carry our expectations on to the next relationship. Setting ourselves up for yet one more disaster and sad breakup.

Maybe more important than having someone love you as you would like them to, is that you accept they love you the way they do.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Can Loneliness End

Nothing is permanent, not even life itself. It's ours to love and enjoy while the chance to is with us.

We spend our hard earned money on things like cars. We all know they are only temporary.
We spend many more thousands for a home. A home too is only a temporary structure. Given enough time it will eventually fall apart and come crashing to the ground. A fire could destroy that home and all that is in it in just a matter of hours.

We plant seeds to grow beautiful flowers. Come the end of the growing season and the flowers and plants leave us.
Through nature a seed from a tree in a forest drops to the ground. It somehow finds the strength to grow and flourish. That tree may well outlive us, but it too will eventually come crashing to the ground.

We are not permanent.
Others that may come into our lives are not permanent.
The pain we feel inside when some of those people leave is not permanent either.
It takes time and filling your mind with many other things and people. Filling the mind with new joyful things to get past the feelings we are left with when something or someone leaves our lives. Some longer than others. That depends on just how much you felt for what you've lost and how deeply they or it was planted in your mind. How much dependence grew.
Heartache also is temporary. It really does eventually become a faded memory.

Sometimes the heartache can leave a scar. Sometimes there are things or people who add to that heartache and make the scars worse. It is possible to be so scarred that you turn to an icy hermit. A lonely feeling being, unable to place your trust in any other individual. You can become so cold that when you are approached by someone, that one day could have turned your head for a second look, your mind grows ice cubes that could give the ice age reason to be jealous.

You can spend the first five years of that with hurt and daily mental misery. Pain from physical desires that are left unfulfilled. One day it just goes away and isn't there anymore. You don't know when exactly it happens, it just does. Fades away to no more than a distant memory.
You can spend the next seven years throwing up roadblocks every time someone nice approaches you and you feel they want more than to just be friends. You can take your new found freedom and decide to protect yourself by keeping people at distance by putting up defenses. Building walls of cold stone. Sealing up any crack in your defense as soon as you find it. Covering the roof of your defenses with steel.

Then all of the sudden! Completely unexpected! You hear a voice. See a typed word.

It reaches into you and grabs at you. Awakening emotions you were sure had died and you had happily buried in a sealed vault.

You mentally try to push those feelings aside, rebury them, knowing they can open you and leave you susceptible to hurt you never again want in your life.
You run every possible way through your mind to extinguish those feelings.

Yet that voice keeps tugging. From deep inside the dormant seeds begin to grow. You throw up mental weeds to try and choke those feelings and make them go away. They continue to grow and get stronger.

You try not to listen to that voice, if I don't hear it it will go away. But in your mind you hear it. It talks to you when your sleeping. It calls out when you don't pay attention and are busy doing other things. It continues to grow despite your efforts against it.

How could it be... Should it be...
No answers to your questions.
Do I take a step towards that voice? Dare I look that voice in the eyes?
What if I hold that voice in my arms, I may never be able to let go!

You talk to that voice, being ever so watchful for any sign that it will hurt you. That voice sounds more and more perfect. You begin to see that voice is so much like your own. In it's likes. In it's dislikes.

That seed continues to grow. It now shows by a silly smile on your face that you can not stop.

Where will that voice lead you...
Perhaps that voice is only like a butterfly. It will light on your hand for only a moment and be gone.
Yet that ever growing tug makes you ask.
Will that voice become a permanent part of you and your life...

One thought. One step. One day. One week. One month. One long road trip into the unknown.
We shall see...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Brrrr Chill

Blues, pinks and lavenders. Those were the colors of the sky this morning as the shy began to wake from a long night. But the fields are covered with white.
Coffee at my side I'm happy just to sit on the sofa and watch as the earth wakes up for another day. On my trip outdoors earlier it was cold.

Yesterday I couldn't use the push broom that I keep hanging on the porch during the winters to sweep the snow off. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but there is a dove that has built a nest on it. She didn't leave the nest until afternoon to look for food. Busy keeping her eggs warm I'd guess.

But every time I walked out the door I'd look her way and talk softly to her. She's not to sure about me. Just watches me with her eyes and doesn't move a twitch.
Can't wait until it warms up again so she's moving and cooing me a serenade to start my day.

For a bit yesterday I was making snowballs and tossing them for the dogs. Rowdy wasn't to sure about that at first. As Lakai jumped and tried to catch them Rowdy got the idea though. Soon both were waiting impatiently to play catch as fast as I could make them and toss them.

Rowdy however refused to do his business out in the snow. Dropped his mess right on my floor. Had to clean his messes twice yesterday. That makes me very happy that when I get a pup I cover the floor with plastic. It makes messes easy to clean, it's easy to mop and protects my carpet well.
Guess the scoldings he got yesterday helped though. This morning he was happy to relieve himself outside.

There was about eight inches of snow on top of the porch railings and in other spots off the ground. On the ground it was warm enough to melt a lot of the snow. Only had two to four inches in different places. The road had none. It was warm enough to melt it all.

We get late spring snows at time around here, but they never stay around long. In a day or sometimes two the sun comes out and melts it all. This makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, once spring comes I'd rather not see any more snow until next winter, but when it melts away real fast it's easier to take. I'd rather be shoveling dirt than snow at this time of year. Rather be feeling sweat than chills.

Unlike yesterday morning the birds are flying around lake crazy. I imagine they are very hungry and trying to fill their bellies. I'd like to be out listening to the sing their concerts, but I think I'll just listen to the news. Unlike them I have the choice to stay in a nice warm house near a radiator.

I'm done with winter, over it. Ready for the warmth of spring to return.
Longing for the heat that chases the stiffness from the joints and bones. Yearning for the mornings I can sit on the front porch sipping my coffee as the sun rises while listening to the early morning birdie concert. Watching the beautiful sunrise and thinking about what I will do for the day.

Well, the dogs are being very active and I think they're trying to tell me they want breakfast. So I'd better get a move on and cater their meals.
Have a great day full of smiles!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Ugh, Snow?

Mother nature put out last night. We had a late spring snow and from what the weatherman says we may have more today. The trees have small leaves and the snow is a wet heavy snow that is making the straining branches sag very low.

Some areas just north of here are having even more problems. They have more snow, trees breaking and falling because of the extreme weight and people who have already forgotten how to drive in the snow.

Oh well, we have had snow as late as early May and at least this time of year it never stays around long.
Besides that we need the added moisture.

What I don't understand though is how fast people forget how to drive when it snows. They forget to slow down and drive with some caution. They forget just how slippery the roads get when there is snow on them. They can not seem to remember to leave home earlier to get where they have to go.

Yup, humans are sometimes the dumbest critters on the face of the earth.
They prove it to me all to often...

Men who forget to give a bit of theirselves every day to the women they say they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. Women who take for granted their children and do not seem to realize they are raising the future of the planet.

Kids who think they never have to work towards earning the things they want. Me who forgets how last time I tried something it turned out so badly...

Yes, we humans can forget almost anything of value. Yet we have such a hard time leaving a hurtful person behind. We'll pine away for months and even years over some nasty abusive excuse for a human that treated us bad then left us.

We'll gripe and complain about a mean boss or job we don't like, but we are to afraid to step out and get another job.
We'll complain we don't have enough money, yet we'll spend money on things we don't really need.

I'll be in this house with enough food to last for a month or longer and still when I go to the kitchen I can never find a thing to eat...

Me when number two son treats me to lunch at a pizza buffet. Who gets into a pizza eating contest with said son. Yup. I won. My prize? An entire afternoon and evening with heartburn...

People like to say dumb animals. I have in all my years not seen a cow that overate!

Yup, humans are the most interesting critters on the earth and darned if they and myself don't constantly make me smile.

Friday, April 20, 2012


Is it time to put a period at the end of the sentence and start a new chapter.
Everyone has problems of some kind. Some problems can be worked through but some cannot.

If you can work through problems then do. If you have tried and it isn't getting any better or if they can just not be worked through then it's time to drop them and start something new.

The only way to start something new is to walk away from the old.

Let the spirit of the child within awaken. Hungry to learn new things and do new things.

Be brave in the face of the ugly goliath of grief. Only the small butterflies of joy can scare the goliath of grief into it's cave of despair.

Learn from mistakes and grow...

Life is a lot like a garden.
Weed seeds will blow in and weeds will grow. If they are not pulled and removed they will flourish.
You can plant all the beautiful plants in your garden you want.
You can plant nutritious plants.
You can plant your garden in rows or you can scatter your plants and let them grow wildly. But when lined up in rows they are easier to deal with.
There are times it's best to let your garden go fallow so it can rest and rejuvenate.
Times too when our gardens need nourished so they can once again nourish us.
And there is always someone trying to steal from our gardens. Jealous people who are to lazy to take care of their own garden.

Yet when our garden is doing well there is always such a good feeling when we share our beautiful bounty...

Monday, April 16, 2012

Help And Smiles

Work is caught up and actually ahead of schedule. Some planting is done already and all the fields are ready to plant. If the weather stays as decent as it's been, I will have about three weeks to spend fishing instead of only one before it's hay making season. That fact makes me the happiest little boy you can imagine.

It was a little rainy over the weekend so my son and I built and installed three new windows in the chicken coop. I didn't have time to put them in last year when I built it and just boarded them shut over winter.

We also made and installed two gates in the dogs three quarter acre yard. They sure seem to enjoy being able to have room to run and stretch their legs without being tied to chains or being yelled at for running to far or to get out of things they shouldn't be into.

The way their fences run they can follow us almost everywhere they were allowed to before. And we still have plenty of lawn left for ourselves. Way to much when it comes time to mow... That alone is a full day chore here!

But with the weather so nice and so much going on, my planning capabilities have been shot to heck. While building the windows Saturday there were things we still had to make a second trip back to the building supply store for. Then on Sunday when we built the gates I forgot to pick up latches to keep the gates shut. So there was one more wasted trip.

That wouldn't be so bad, but it's a twenty eight mile round trip and with the price of gas being as ridiculous as it is right now it sure cuts into the pocket.
But those two nagging chores are finished and I'm still on my way to having those three weeks of rest and relaxation!

It's been wake up and put in four hours by nine AM, then a two to three hour break waiting for the morning dampness to dry off and then back to work in the fields until dark or later. I am tired and looking forward to a break.

Saturday when we went for some groceries in the morning and picked up the lumber and most of the hardware for the windows, there was an older gentleman in front of us at the grocery check out. Guess he is down on his luck because he was using one of those food cards to buy his groceries.

He was watching the price run up on the monitor and stopped the check out lady just before she had all his groceries rang up. Seems he was short and couldn't quite get them all.

I quickly did a mental scan of what he had left and just as the checkout lady was about to move them aside, I stopped her and told her to add them to what I was getting and let him take them along.

You could have knocked her over with a little breath of wind. But the smile on the guys face was priceless! He couldn't seem to thank me enough and I was getting a little embarrassed because he was loud enough to let almost everyone hear.

So for about $28.00 I managed to put a warm caring feeling in the hearts of quite a few people.

But isn't that one of the greatest things we can do with our lives? Helping others who need and putting warmth into the lives and hearts of others.
Putting smiles on the faces of anyone we run into and can!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Makes Me Wonder

How the people who complain they can get nothing done during their days are the ones who don't get out of bed before noon.

How the people who complain they can't get anything accomplished are the people who sit and play video games or watch TV all day.

How people who have health issues that keep them from doing things wish they could and yet the healthy people wish they didn't have to.

How those people with health issues will try to find ways to do things and do them, but the healthy will try to find ways not to do and will spend all day making excuses.

How people will spend an entire day coming up with a decent excuse for not doing their work when it would have only taken them a few minutes to do it.

How someone can sit around and say they're bored and the instant you suggest something they can do, they're busy.

How someone can say they're bored and when I suggest work they say, but I don't wanna do that. That sounds boring.

How some can sit for hours and complain about what's on the TV. Yet they will not get up and get the remote. Instead they will wait until someone else comes in the room and ask them to hand it to them.

How one guy I know will call for his wife who is in an entirely different room and ask her to get the remote for him.
And she does it...

Thoreau once said, Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder...