While working this weekend my mind was busy as usual. It never seems to shut down and give me a break. Just one day I'd like to ponder nothing...
Anyway, I was thinking about a trip I'm planning to make next month and about the person I plan to meet. I've known this person for a while now and have delved into their mind. I have a desire to see what they see. Want to see the area they live in. Want to get to know this person face to face.
So since I wasn't able to take that trip to Australia this year because of the health issues in January that lasted through February and what they did to my savings and that I'm planning taking three weeks off between planting and hay making seasons, I've decided to make a much shorter trip to the area they live and visit. Heck I'll probably take my fishing poles along and try the fishing there.
But it dawned on my wee mind just how timid, even slightly frightened I have been with the thoughts of this trip.
Not the trip itself I guess, but the meeting someone face to face that I've actually grown feelings for.
I've chatted with some here and there and on line, but I've never grown feelings other than really great friendships. There are some great minds I've connected with. A few even mentioned they were feeling romantic feelings. But they were to young for me in my mind. Sadly most of them quit talking with me when I left my old fashioned beliefs and feelings be known.
I just can not, no way, no how imagine me with someone the age of my oldest son or even close to that age. It's not that there wouldn't be or isn't desire. It's more that I'd always be wondering if I wasn't taking advantage of them. Their limited life experience as opposed to my longer life experience. Would I in some way be to convincing without even trying...
Getting back to the subject here though, I didn't realize just how much I have become comfortable with my running, hiding and staying away from potential relationships. Normal for me has become sidestepping then hiding from anyone who I feel is getting to close. Finding excuses not to allow them to get any closer and finding ways to put an ice cap on their feelings towards me.
I've only accepted friendship for the past twelve years. Got past the daily desires of man/woman connections. Now fearing those touching moments. Becoming I guess a kind of a monk.
Yes, I've grown quite comfortable with that. So now that someone has entered my life whose life parallels mine in many ways, who has been through a lot of the rough patches I've been through, thinks a lot like I do, is not afraid to work and play and get dirty, someone who enjoys the outdoors, nature and gardening, someone who isn't afraid to take underpaid work just to keep the bills paid and live, someone who can make me laugh and smile as much or maybe even more that I make them, someone who is close enough to my age that I don't feel a daddy or grandpap connection with, someone who has magically reached into my mind and opened it once again after so many years and I might add, someone who I found out recently is very very pretty. I am feeling feelings of fear of stepping into a possible future.
Not much causes me to feel fear. I live with daily physical pain and know that any pain more is only temporary and eventually will ease if only for a few days at a time. I've climbed on rock cliffs without the protection of ropes or even sound handholds. I've ridden cross country bikes and even traveled to fast for conditions and limped or walked away from dumb accidents. I've traveled to places not knowing a soul and felt safe getting to know locals. Even the ones considered bad people. I even learned to not fear loneliness and have found it to be a very helpful friend who can teach many good lessons if you take the time to listen to what rambles through your mind.
So in just one more way this interesting, wonderful person is opening my mind and making me want to step outside my comfort zone.
Yet taking that step is something I keep telling others they have to do to find a happy life. Could mine become any happier?
I find it easy to step out in search of a new job that sounds interesting. Step out and experience nature even when the potential is there to get hurt or worse. Step out and into situations where potential friends can be made.
But yet I do know and understand the feelings of trepidation. I also know that those feelings can help protect you and should be listened to. Not to stop you, but to be a warning to watch your step and be careful.
But into a world where once again “I” am feeling the desires to be with someone? OK, just how the heck has this happened... I really wasn't looking.
So if this being that has grown quite comfortable over a twelve year span wearing the shroud of loneliness that has been fitted just right, wearing the boots that only carry them on the path of life by theirself on a solitary path, wearing the listening devices and a protective mask to keep potential love away can step out.
Then I dare say anyone can.
Who knows what you and I might just find...
Maybe just a good memory to wind through your mind on a rainy day.
Maybe a friend.
Maybe a jewel to be cherished and worn as a smile.
Or just maybe a ray of bright warm sunshine to light up the rest of your life.
Only thing that is sure is that if you or I don't take that step, we will never know.