Healing

It seems that loneliness hurts worse after it's been gone from your life for awhile.

I doubt that it is worse, but it feels worse.

There I was, twelve years into my loneliness but was quite content. I spent my days working, smiling and laughing. Very seldom did I actually feel alone. Then I allowed someone into my life who filled a lot of time with talking, sharing and laughing. Even deep thoughts were discussed. Dreams were discussed.

Now that didn't work out and the dread of feeling lonely has come back into my life to haunt me.

What's interesting though is that I never realized many of the ways it affected me.

It's tough to write a blog. Well tough in the sense that I don't want to share hurt. After all I'm a guy. We are not supposed to have feelings... Uh hu, BS.

So I'm spending most of my time finding all kinds of work that needs done. I figure that anything that keeps me busy, keeps my mind occupied and busy. Then if I get tired enough I can't waste time rehashing things in my mind and just fall asleep when I go to bed. Hey, what can I say? It's working.

I'm picking one bigger project and several smaller projects to do each day. Something that needs done and makes my life better.

I've also decided to find at least one beautiful and soothing thing about each day.

Find at least one thing each day that I smiled about. That's a bit tough when your hurting, but it's getting easier quicker that I suspected.

Another decision is to stay away from negativity and negative people.

If someone wants to commiserate and wants to start placing blame or bad mouthing in any way, I don't need that and will just shut down and walk away. After all how can you get past something when you refuse to let it go... I also had to walk away and quit talking to my son for a bit. He was in a sour mood and was being really negative. I need and want positive!

If I do find myself thinking bad thoughts about myself or the situation, I drop them like a hot rock and give myself a bit of heck for doing so. I'm refusing to let my mind go where I don't want it to go.

When I came up with this plan on Friday afternoon, I had originally given myself until August first. I figured that would make one month of mourning over what could have been but was decided against by someone else. Then I'd set my plan into action.

Strange thing is that over the weekend I feel I've made fantastic headway at healing!

I've been smiling even when I don't really want to. Even laughed a few times.

I simply can't believe it's working as well as it is...

There are still some moments when I catch myself grieving, but I'm getting past them quickly and then the smiles return. Not the huge smiles I like, more like little smirks. But hey, they count too!

I'm curious to see just how well this keeps working. Who knows. Maybe I have an outline that could help others!

After all when anything in life happens we need to learn from it and then use what we learn to try and help others.

So to heck with the bad feelings and on to the healing. Life is way to short to spend more time crying when I could be smiling and laughing.

Besides I'm getting a little to old to waste time feeling bad. I want the final chapter of my life to be a happy one. That is why I attempted to find someone to share it with. So hopefully it's back to the smiles and who knows, maybe someone else will want to share what I have and my life.

If not I do know that I was happy before and can be again!!!

I want to spend my time left having a great time in the playground!

What A Year

It's been one interesting year to say the least!

Got deathly sick back in January and that cost a fortune to heal from. And I'm still not totally healed...

That caused me to miss taking the trip I had planned to go to Australia.

My truck broke down and still is just sitting in the garage waiting for help to fix it. Because of my messed up back I can't do that job alone...

I wasted close to two thousand dollars to help someone move here who said they wanted to and then backed out at the last minute.

Now because of my own stupidity and allowing someone into my heart I'm hurting again. Hmm, shoulda known better. If life has taught me anything it's that I'm meant to be alone...

The garden is a mess because I spent so much time away from home and it. Then the weather hasn't cooperated at all. With it's late chilly wet weather and then the extreme heat. Heck, I'll be lucky to even get a few good meals from it.

The main tractor here at the farm is broken down now and it seems to be taking forever for the shop to rebuild the part.

That electric pole fell and ripped the wires from the house and that had to be fixed.

The mandrel on the mower is now broken again and I can't even finish mowing the lawn and other areas I keep mowed...

The darned back seems to have a pattern of getting real bad every third day and taking me out for the next three or four.

The son has been struggling his back side off just trying to find enough work to keep his bills paid and I've had to help him out there too.

My daughters life is down. Seems the son in law has found another love interest and is now leaving her and the children. Ha! Guess who's going to have to help them out financially and emotionally...

Wonder if there's some way to go back to last year and then just skip this year...

It's sad but I just can't seem to find anything good about this year. The year is now only half over and I really think I should just crawl in a cave and hide until next year.

I know that everyone has problems, that's just a fact of life. Things just happen that are out of our control. You live, you have good times, you have bad times. But it's a bit hard to take when the bad just keeps on coming without letup.

I always try to do my best to find contentment. That always makes the bad times a little easier to take and not last quite as long. It also makes the good times seem even better.

This year though it seems the bad keeps coming right before I find my contented place.

So I'll just keep hanging on and hope that things soon start to go in a much better direction. I sure hope the rope I'm hanging on to doesn't break!

Oh Noooo

Wow!

Shortly after posting the blog on Friday, the dog and I heard a huge bang. I listened for further noise and all I heard was the dog growling and the occasional bark.

Finally after being unable to quiet the dog I started looking for the source of the noise. I also needed another cup of coffee, so I had coffee cup in hand.

I went through the sunporch while looking out the windows. Made my way into the kitchen and looked out the windows. Yup. There it was...

The 220 volt line that runs from the house to the outbuildings was laying in the lawn. Looking under the pine tree in the back yard I could see the remnants of the old pole laying near the driveway. The bang I and Rowdy had heard was the bolts for the hanger being ripped from the side of the house.

I poured my coffee and walked back to the living room. I called my son who is now living in the apartment above the equipment shed. Yup, he had heard the noise also. I asked him if he knew what it was. Well, the noise bothered him even less than it did me. He hadn't had a clue.

I told him the pole and wires were down. Well he was still with electricity so he didn't know.

Then I broke his heart when I told him we'll have to get that fixed right away. He was looking forward to spending the rainy day doing nothing but resting. Instead we would be spending the day out in the rain rerunning the wiring.

We've known for well over twenty years that the pole was bad and would eventually come down. I've just always debated whether to run new line underground or to change the lines in a different direction and eliminate the pole.

Well now in the time of need to get it done, the new direction was pulling way ahead in my mind. The wire that was there was more than enough to do the job and it would certainly be cheaper than buying the pipe to run wires in. I've also been told many times that wires in pipe that eventually get wet just seem to disintegrate and then need replaced.

It would also take the least amount of time to do the job...

So Friday we shut off the breaker for the outbuildings and spent the day out in a pretty steady rain climbing ladders and running the wires from building to building. Only had to make two trips to the hardware store to pick up supplies for the job. The second was only because I changed my mind on my first plans. While doing the job I saw a better way.

Saturday morning it was still raining so I waited until about 10:30 to call him. I told him to come over for an early lunch and then we'd get started. He moaned a bit about having to work in the rain another day, but came over anyway. By the time we finished eating and cleaned up it quit raining. We spent the rest of the day working on the final two buildings.

We got power back to his apartment and that building and the wires were all run to the shop. But once in the shop I decided on another change. So it was off to the hardware one more time. It was also getting very late, so we stopped for a bite to eat and I decided to call it a day. We were both very tired and needed a good rest. The shop could wait one more day.

Sunday we loafed the morning away and then finished the job during the afternoon. So everything is fixed now and all is back to normal.

Living on a farm is not all fun and games. When many things go bad it is your own problem. No city, county or township is taking care of the things that many people take for granted. Wiring past the main entrance is your problem. Plumbing lines that run to outbuildings is your problem. If one leaks you grab a shovel and start digging to find the leak and fix it or rerun new water lines yourself. If the pump goes bad or breaks down it's up to you to fix it or get another or you just do without water.

Even though there are problems and responsibilities you must take care of yourself it sure is worth it.

But before you ever decide to make the move to country living, make sure you are also aware of what you will eventually get involved with.

We are both experienced with just about anything that could need done. I did all that work for a living during my life and still have enough interest in it to keep up with code changes and new materials. He has learned from me and also has a degree from a tech school that has taught him a lot.

If not it would have cost us a huge bundle of cash to pay someone else to come here and do it and I'm sure it would have even cost more to get it done over the weekend! That is if we cold even have found someone to do it over a weekend, or even someone who would have been able to get to us that quickly...

Well that's enough about my weekend. I certainly hope you had a much more enjoyable and dry weekend. Heck, I'm still waiting for my shoes to dry!

Mmm, Good Food

I tried a new recipe last Friday. Yah, Friday the 13th. But hey Friday the 13th usually turns out to be a lucky day for me. Or as I say, it's the day that bad luck is so busy with others it leaves me alone.

I adapted a recipe I had seen on a cooking show.

Swedish Meatballs

Put 2 eggs in a mixing bowl

Add about as much milk as eggs

Whisk eggs and milk

Add 6 slices of white bread with crusts removed and roughly cubed

Soak bread in eggs and milk

Mix in

1 pound of lean ground pork

1 pound of lean ground beef

Chop and add one medium size mild white onion

Season with salt and pepper

Wet your hands to keep from sticking and roll meatballs about 1 inch in diameter.

Lightly brown them in 3 to 4 swirls of oil with butter added over medium heat. You want them to be a golden brown color.

The recipe made about 4 dozen. But I ate three while browning the rest...

The meatballs turned out very light and tender and super moist.

I served them with mushroom gravy over them. Even my grandchildren loved them!

I also served them with sweet and sour green beans and herbed fried potatoes.

I saved a few before serving in a freezer bowl for one of those days when I'd be eating alone and not wanting to cook. All I'll have to do is heat them in the microwave.

Even the dogs had a treat the next morning. I put the grease from making the meatballs over their food. By the tail wagging that went on and the growls when each would dare to even look at the others food dish, I guess they too thought the flavors were great...

I really don't have any plans for this weekend so I'll probably be spending some more time in the kitchen trying something else. Well, unless it gets to hot. But I hear from the weather report it shouldn't... We're on day two of rain and the prediction is for rain at least half of the day Saturday.

When I get the chance and feel like it, I spend time cooking up a few different dishes and then separate them into individual meals. I then freeze them so I have great tasting food on days of the week that I'm busy or for when I just don't feel like cooking.

Only problem is that my ever hungry son knows I do that and often finds my hidden stash of frozen homemade TV dinners.

Maybe I should put a chain and lock around the refrigerator and freezer!

Then again he even gets my snack foods. Maybe I should just put a door on the kitchen and lock that!

Have a great weekend!

Just Do It

Not satisfied with life? Unhappy? Sad? Depressed? Feel like there should be more to life than the same old same old?

Find something you like doing that feeds your soul!

Something that makes you feel alive and satisfied!

You don't necessarily need to change your life, but add something to it that makes you feel alive.

You don't have to leave your partner, but find something that is yours that makes you feel alive and do it.

You don't have to leave your job, but do what it is that makes you feel alive as a hobby.

For some it's something as simple as gardening. A flower garden, a back yard vegetable garden. For me it's gardening on an epic scale called farming.

Today there are many farmers who simply cannot earn a living farming, but rather farm on a part time basis or as a second full time job. But I don't know a one who doesn't feel satisfied.

Recently saw a guy who retired and now spends his time on beaches building sand art. Heck, he even earns money doing it. He found what makes him feel happy and does it.

I had many jobs during my life and they all left me so dissatisfied that I'd quit and go looking for another. One day while pondering that I realized that I loved building things. So I tried construction. Never again did I feel I had a job! I was going to my playground ever day! I found what made me feel alive and satisfied and I did it.

That allowed me to earn a living while having fun. That allowed me to eventually get my second dream. The farm that was in my family for generations and I now live on and play.

So many people have taken hobbies that made them feel good and have turned them into earnings.

Guys who came home from work and went to their little wood shops and built things they would eventually sell. Women who loved sewing and would make clothes or even just do alterations. People who worked eight hour shifts in steel mills or coal mines and would come home and spend another eight hours in their gardens. Then sell their extra produce at flea markets or to stores or restaurants. Women and men who like baking. Some went on to build extra kitchen areas on their homes that they could get licensed so they could sell what they made to the public.

Thing is that all these people were happy people. They found what they like doing that made them feel satisfied and fulfilled and did it!

They also had happy home lives. Seems that when they became happy, home life became happy. When they like who they were, they liked who they were with.

When you give up because of bad thoughts, bad ideas roaming through your mind, doubts and fears, you are stuck in the proverbial rut.

Just do it. Make it happen.

Find what makes you happy and live that happy life.

Only you can make the choice to do it...

Change

As any of the regular readers here know I have made an attempt at a major change to my life and failed. Hey, that happens. But in the least I tried.

I am not happy with one aspect of my life and am aware it needs changing. Will I ever find a way to make that change? Who knows. When will I be ready to try and change it again? Who knows.

Is it time for a change? Do you just not feel right about change? Your just not ready? Do you run from change, fight change or accept change?

I used to fight change, probably because it made me uneasy or frightened me.

Now I see change in a different light!

Everything changes daily with the rising of the sun. There is no fighting it, it just happens. There is no running from change, it's a race that can't be won.

Change keeps us from getting bored and stuck in a routine. Change now is no more than a chance to learn something new and experience life in a different way while having new doors of possibilities opened for you.

If you keep waiting for your feelings to change, your life will never change. It's only by taking action and beginning to make a change that your feelings will change. Things that happen in this world don't happen unless someone makes them happen.

Start your changes by trusting in yourself. Let others criticism be your fertilizer. Their tiny thoughts and beliefs will keep them tiny, while your tiny ideas will flourish. Think of the small seed that grows into a big beautiful flower.

By learning yourself and trusting in yourself you learn to hear with your heart more than your ears and won't get taken quite so often. You learn to see things as they were meant to be seen by you and as they affect your life. You learn to taste and feel with you sight.

Success is really nothing more than trying one more time than you fail.

Ended Before It Got Started

So the fairy tale ended before it could even get off to a good start. Some just let their fears and doubts get in their way.

My garden is about hopeless. I'll be lucky to have enough to even make a few meals from. As I'm trying to pull the weeds that got so bad while I was gallivanting around I seem to be doing more damage than good.

The hay went to seed and is useless. I had offered my neighbor two thirds of the hay if he would mow it all and bale it. I guess he was to busy getting his own hay in.

My truck is broke down and in need of repair. The son is to busy to pull the transmission out for me and because of my messed up spine I can't get under the truck to get it out. This job could take a while to do...

Guess this year is a total bust in some ways.

On the other hand the house has gone through a pretty good cleanup and some long needed repairs have been taken care of.

The mowing of the lawn has been caught up and it doesn't look so bad now.

Only briefly, but I did get a chance to fish the Ohio river between Indiana and Kentucky and even caught some fish. I do hope to get back there and do some more fishing.

I got to meet some very nice people on my visit and enjoyed some really good company. Even got to sample some really great, home cooked southern cooking!

Life is interesting to say the least. There is a temptation to ask what else could go wrong, but I'm sure if I'd ask I would find out. Some questions are best left unasked...

For now I have more work to do than I can handle.

So I'll muddle through and hope something fun, that will turn out nice will come my way.

Fear And Doubt

Fears are not all bad. The only bad thing I can think of is if you allow fear to stop you from doing.

Fear tells us to be careful and aware. Fear tells us to be cautious. Fear tells us to keep our eyes and ears open. Fear tells us to learn.

Allowing fear to stop us from doing anything is risking the chances of doing and having fun. Stagnating and not moving onward with our lives. Loosing the chance to change our life into something we want that could be better than what we have.

Doubt is similar. We should listen to our doubt and ask questions. But never should we allow our doubts to control our lives.

Doubt is not based in fact. Often when we ask questions we find our doubts are foolish and factless.

The fears of someone else have brought my hope filled future to an early death. I went to help her move to my home and she expressed fear and doubt.

Not once, not twice, but three times. After the third time I knew it was time for me to release any hopes and come home. Alone... So I did.

I would stay no longer and be the cause of her fears and doubts.

I'm saddened that fear and doubt have brought to an end what I feel for sure would have been a wonderful ending for the books of my life and hers.

I do hurt. I once again will get over it.

Hurtful Words

If a man throws a stone at you, is it better to throw stones back or is it better to just walk away?

Throwing back would bring you down to their level. Walking away often makes them look like a butt head. Throwing back can start a real battle with the outcome of both being hurt or maimed.

Same goes if someone says something hurtful to you. If you do nothing more than saying hurtful things back the only outcome is that both of you hurt and quite possibly will go on feeling bad towards each other for a long, long time to come.

The easy way is to say bad things back. The tougher way is to just turn and walk away.

Something my dear mom taught me when I was very young.

It takes more of a man to walk away than to stand and fight.