Thoughts. Not the fun little things that run through a mind. Not the everyday kind that frolic through as we work or play. But rather the deep down things. The ones we have that eat at our souls. Thought of memories that we wish we could erase. Yah, those...
Maybe it was the party life that I led. The early morning hours after most of the people passed out or fell asleep when only a handful of us would still be awake sitting around a fire and had slowed into deep, in depth discussion. The discussions that would tell you more about people than any other could.
At that point we would open up enough with the others similar to ourselves that many hidden secrets would be talked about and shared. Many times with each other saying “if you think that's bad” or “here's one for ya”... But also many times those deep hurtful things would be discussed and rationalized. Often with eye opening, or as I say, mind opening results...
But all of us would walk away with a new outlook. An entirely new understanding of each other and “ourselves”. Many times, though I never realized it then, there would be a healing. A healing that would ultimately change us. Make us better humans that could again fit with society.
When you have things hidden deep inside from your past that have hurt you or bothered you, they can fester in your mind and cause you to shut down emotionally or even turn you against society. They can make it impossible to talk with anyone.
Is it the fear that someone will find something that could hurt, could make you look weak or even something that could make you look bad or even demonic. Or is it even something that hurts so bad that you just can't deal with it. Is it even something that seems like others will laugh about.
All those deep dark secrets that cause us the emotional scars that stop us from being all we can be or stand in the way of happy. The secrets that make us so mortified that we become afraid to openly share. The ones that cause us to have a low value of our self and bring out low self esteem.
I found that I became an open person that had much more understanding and acceptance, that could speak my mind. I've just come to realize that is what creates this illusion that I have a high self esteem. It could be quite possible that I'm not completely aware of the entire meaning, or meanings, of esteem. But I really don't feel I have a high one.
Talking about stuff that hurts us deeply can be dangerous. Talking about them to self centered egotistical jerks can cause even deeper pain to again be hidden. Talking to someone without an open, nonjudgmental mind can scare them and send them running for the hills. Talk with someone who can't tell the difference between private and not can lead to more pain.
But sharing with someone you can trust can help! That can't be done without really learning that person and then carefully considering them. Finding professional counseling can be a task and a half. But can be done. Yet that finding and then opening up “will” help. It's in the least a first step to the healing that follows.
Many times just seeing a problem on paper before your eyes can let you see a way to escape. I've been surprised while writing this blog a few times already, when I'd write about a personally touchy subject. Heck with this internet you can even comment anonymously and that could be a beginning. Even anonymous comments get replies from others that understand and can help. Many times just knowing your not alone helps.
But please! Find a way to open up and get it out. It really is a way to step on that path that leads to healing so your not alone and hurting. There is no problem or hidden secret that is to big or hurtful to share with someone! Open yourself and rid you of that thing that gets in the way of your smile.
I love smiles. They make everyones day much sunnier and spread warmth. So please smile. Common, ya know you can... Even through the tears. I've done that myself a few times. And for a tough old bird like me, that's a little touchy.
Look, if you can't find someone, I'll listen. I'll even do my best to get back to you. I'll do my best not to be judgmental. Though at times things I say may sound judgmental, they're never intended to be. And in all honesty I may even chuckle. But if I do it's usually with very good reason and I'll tell ya why so we can laugh together. I will also take you very seriously though. I do know that pain all to well...