With all the thinking I have done in the past and especially over the past eleven years, I can not answer one nagging question that rolls about in my mind. Trust.
In the past it's not been to hard to forgive people who have done things I didn't like and begin to trust them again. Never had trouble meeting someone and trusting them. Some never got to the point of trust but most do. It's never really hard either.
Forgiveness has never been a hard thing. The mother of my youngest children left me with them and I forgave her and even trusted her as a friend. There have been times where someone would really just take something of mine. AKA rob me. Them I forgave when they apologized, and I learned to trust them again.
People who have said things that hurt. Even lies that have been told. Those people were forgiven and I slowly trusted them once more. There have even been times the things said or done have left me feeling traumatized. But again I was able to forgive and learn to trust again.
There were things done and said by me, that after they were said or done left me feeling bad. I know the other people felt even worse. I'd ask for forgiveness and it would be granted. Then I eventually learned to trust that I would not be so foolish to do something like that again.
Forgiving has never really been an issue for me. I also could forgive but knew better than to ever forget. But there are some who we should never forget and turn our backs on, nor close our eyes to. There are just some really bad people. They too can change eventually. Should they make a change for the better, I can observe them long enough that I can learn to trust them. I've even done that!
Like I've said before, I have never been a good judge of character when it came to women. I could find the only shallow woman out of a room of a thousand and fall for her. Then be left alone and hurting again.
OK for a long time I was the guy who rode and partied in every free moment I could cram in. All that made me look like a shallow partying person. So yah, that's what those women thought I was and that's what they wanted. After finding out I wasn't that guy they split. I can totally understand that.
With that reasoning I have forgiven all that I have ever ran into since and can have friendly conversations with them. So even they can be trusted. There's nothing wrong with them. It's just that they and I want different things from life and have different ideas of what love is.
Now I've rolled all the past through my mind and have come to some really acceptable understanding of me. Made some changes in my life and kinda like who and what I've become. Over the past eleven years I even find I can trust myself not to return to the person I was. I can now go for a drink and do a little partying and then walk away when it's over and not return until I'm good and ready. If someone offers a beer, I can say give me some coffee.
The thing that runs rampant through my head is loneliness. It would be so nice to have someone to share in my day to day and sit on the porch with in my evenings. Someone to share coffee and conversation with in the mornings.
But I can not even begin to trust myself about letting someone that far into my life. I can't trust that I would know if someone were the right kind of woman or not...
Maybe it's just spring that has these thoughts working so madly in my head. Spring does that to most creatures. But I wish I could just bottle up these thoughts and toss them in the trash. They really are consuming me right now.
So that's why I can't seem to find anything funny from my mind. I'm being consumed by thoughts that I'm trying like mad to to just push back into the deepest places of that thing in my head.
But, I am still smiling! Heck, I see humor in it. A silly old fool working and even sitting around with thoughts like that... Goofy stuff like that should be far gone from an old guys mind. Guess some kids just never grow up.
So I hope you can laugh along and I'm hoping you smile too!