Friday, April 15, 2011

The Touch That Needs Shared

In some it brings great pleasure, in some it brings depression, in others it brings addiction. It's not like the need for air. Not required like water. It's more like the need for good friends and meaningful conversation.

It's lack brings quiet desperation in some. That desire that wants fulfilled, but isn't. A desire so deeply implanted in the mind the soul aches, when it's not attended to. Yet we survive to live on in our desperation.

In some it can bring rage when the body out rules their minds with it's desires. Some get grumpy and complain endlessly. While some get angry and yell at everyone in sight.

In some it also brings out energy and the desire to work, so the mind doesn't have time to think. Going to bed alone again but to exhausted to lay awake, and think.

Some even turn to alcohol and drugs for an escape. Looking for something to numb the mind and body. Some run to clubs and bars in search of even a stranger, to help soothe the desires the loneliness brings.

Having someone who doesn't feel the need or care, someone that simply can't because of a medical problem, or just being alone with no one to share a body and the pleasure derived from it is an ache that reaches deeply into the soul. But the beginnings of intimacy is the creek that leads to that river which leads to that ocean in our souls.

Conversation with every word dancing on each others ears. Eyes that stay focused and are mesmerized. The playful games and funny laughs begin. Then the passionate kisses. The touch of hands in a soft caress. The build up of romance, then on to the steamy, all feeds and comforts the soul. Bringing happiness in it's full potentiality deep inside the mind. The joy to touch, or to be touched with passion, the feeling of closeness, feeling connected and safe, feeling loved, and desired. The secrets shared without worry by two! Secrets of mind and body, in the language of love. Words that can't be spoken at any other time than during the bliss that is shared by two. Be they teasingly with a whisper, or unhumbled demands with vengeance for more, to please the deepest needs. The moans of joy, the cries of pleasure when at last, fulfillment's attained. The feeling that no other world exists, but only the world, of the two in the moment.

All this helps make it through the daily challenges and grief. Helps to give the certainty that ones still alive. Makes a soul feel desired and wanted. Instilled with passion and comforted, filled with joy. Lets you know you can still feel, and give pleasure.

When that creek begins to run and ends up deep in the mind it becomes a tidal wave. Yet like any tidal wave, when it's over and gone, there is nothing but a mess. Surrounded by total loss and confusion.

Be it losing a life's partner or their ability. Being kicked to the curb and dumped. Even being abandoned and ignored by the one in your life. It leaves a soul in quiet desperation. Like losing a part of yourself, a part you can't imagine how to exist without. Yet as days, weeks, months and even years go by, we survive. The feelings and urges never die, but they become so pushed deep and hidden, smothered in the mind, that life, does become at least a little more bearable.

Replacing the love and intimacy with casual relationships or one night stands never works. There's always the deeply learned morals that creep up in the mind and destroy us even more. Leaving us feeling more confused and dismayed. There's the need to belong, not just play. You start feeling shallow. You become disgusted with what you've become. Maybe even bringing another life into a world of nothing but loneliness, hurt, and confusion.

Reaching out and finding a bed buddy to fulfill those desires, then trying to turn that into love. Only to find we're again hurt when we realize that they never felt love, they were just biding their time until something they felt better came their way.

Sadly there is no magic pill. No fairy godmother with a wand. Nothing, to heal that deep pain.
I truly believe the only thing that will help someone heal is looking within their own mind and learning once again what and who they were before that journey ever began.

Can it be done on your own... Maybe. If you can really look that deep on your own and with nothing but honesty with yourself. Then be able to discuss with yourself all you learn and add that to who you are today. But to do that, you'd have to become a hermit like me, with to much time on their hands. A life dedicated to being alone no mater how long it takes. A life hurt so many times that it can accept being alone, rather than take a chance of being hurt again. At the end of my tunnel, I've found tranquility! But also found a fear, that keeps me alone... Not a very good end for most...

Help is hard to find. But that is a pursuit worth all the effort it takes. Someone who “cares” for more than the money, and is trained to help you look deeply and then learn. Even someone that will take enough time, as you become comfortable enough to open and honestly say everything. But it could well be an answer.

Find those answers you need and you very well may have true happiness, not happiness that requires someone else. But the happiness you felt as a child. Then if and when you do find someone who fits your life, you may again find that feeling of one.

Surely it has to be better than doing more than kissing toads, while in search of one that will give you more than warts!

For some reason and I don't know why. I do have a little story playing in my head. But I feel compelled to leave this up all weekend. So unless some deeper feeling comes over me. I won't be posting tomorrow. So with all my heart to you, have a really warm and smiling weekend.

1 comment:

  1. As strong as those desires are, you have acknowledged that unless it comes with love and commitment, it is shallow and empty and not worth having. I agree. I am someone who has sincerely learnt to be happy alone. I know that I would never want the intimacy without genuine love. More people are choosing celibacy over empty shallow one night stands. I don't think you have to be lonely to accept that part of your life is no longer there. I have chosen to not have physical intimacy, but friendship and hugs and the connection of souls when you have a great conversation with someone, is enough. For me anyhow. Very interesting thoughts you've shared. Thank you. ;-)