Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Worthless Heart

I don't want to write this! To me it's like standing on a busy street in a huge city with no clothes on. Being naked before all the world. Letting the world know that I too have flaws.
I don't believe flaws are really a bad thing. We accept them in others, but can we accept them in ourselves? We should. The flaws are what make us who we are. They make us individuals. But are some self perceived flaws really flaws? But that's going to be in a later post, maybe next week... Not entirely sure exactly when though. It was going to be here today but something else is stuck in my mind.

OK, I'm hesitating. Putting off something that's eating at me since yesterday morning when I read someone elses blog. That wasn't bad enough, I read another blog and again it brought my silly mind back to the same dam.. uh, darned thing. It ate at me just about all day. I believed I had this resolved in my mind but maybe it's not...

Like I tell on that ?Me? page. (It's up top there in those green words, just click on it if ya want) I'm divorced. Not only once... I've also been in some pretty serious relations with what I thought were some darned nice women. Yah, none of them lasted either.

I went through times of mentally blaming the women. I went through blaming myself.
After a long time I finally realized that it wasn't the womens fault. I had met them all while I was on what I now call, vacations from my routine life.

I love nothing better than to live way out in the countryside and spending my time working or roaming the fields and woods. Truth is, even as a child I was somewhat of a loner. I liked being around people but liked being out in the boonies and exploring too. Hunting, fishing, trapping, hiking, laying under a big shade tree in the middle of nowhere on a hot day, making hay in the sweltering sun, being around animals and caring for them. These were then and still are what make me happy. But, I could also say these are the things that make me. (I just realized that when I was finishing that last sentence, right before I typed happy.)

I also enjoy going out and spending some time around other people. Even in bars and having a few drinks, kinda kicking up my heels and partying. Now when I'm out and about there, I'm still just me, and my lighter side way of life sticks out with the joking and laughing at life. That usually attracts people and we get to know each other. At least while I'm there. But... That is where I've realized the problem is!

After getting over that stupid, worthless blame game... Then some real heavy pondering, a good bit done in the tractor seat and some just sitting alone on the porch or in the empty house. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks! All these women I've met see the out on the town me! But that is only a very, very small part of me. When they decide to actually be with me... They become bored with the everyday me. The me that can be happy to sit and watch birds. Watch a couple of cows graze in a field. The me that can spend a day lounging on a shady hillside when it's just to hot out. The me that as long as the weather isn't to cold to be outside, can stay here in the boonies for weeks on end. Heck, I even shop for groceries with a list intended for a month most of the time. Well most people find my life downright boring. I've even heard the question, “How do you see anything in the middle of nowhere?”. The complaints that there is nothing to do.

I guess they couldn't see all the beautiful life that is there. They couldn't find the beauty in a sunrise or sunset. The interesting qualities of the way branches grow to form a tree. The natural beauty of a patch of wildflowers growing in a field. The majestic beauty of wildlife and their habits or ways of living. Heck, they can't even appreciate the beautiful symphony of a babbling brook or a breeze blowing through the trees. Nor the rock concert of crickets on a warm night.

I can't really fault anyone for that, but I do feel sorry for them.
I have no need for the things TV and movies make some people feel are the only things in life that can bring happiness. I'm not caught up in the things the companies advertisements suggest people need to live a happy life. I enjoy my simple life of coexisting with nature as closely as is comfortable. I also understand that this way of life isn't for everyone. I'm glad it's not because we would quickly run out of countryside if everyone moved here from the cities. So in no way can I fault anyone for finding my way of life boring. But to me it could never be remotely construed as boring!

So after more broken hearts from disastrous endings of relationships than I care to think about. I've concluded that there may not possibly be that right someone to be my special someone. I like me and I'm comfortable living as me. So I determined that if I have to be without a special someone, then I have to become comfortable with that.

Well, I was doing good for about three years now, but when I read about someones feelings about falling in love, then how good and bad it can make one feel. You can read that here, It's an adult rated blog but I've found nothing bad there, yet...
Once again I began obsessing over my own situation...

Am I right thinking I can spend whatever is left of my life alone? Can I get over sitting on the porch during a hot evening with no one to hold hands with? Can I really be comfortable hibernating in a house alone during the bitter cold days of winter?
How do I put my heart back in my chest and get back to where I was before reading these posts?

Yah, uncertainty again... That stinking flaw that for three years I had controlled, is back!
That weakness of being a human. The weakest creature on the face of the earth.

I'm sorry if I've brought you down. I just for some unknown to me reason, had to get this out. I tried and tried to leave it alone but it just kept haunting me. So here it is. Naked me.

Sorry, I can't smile today. And I really hate being this damned fragile!
But I guess it is just another part of who I am. And it may seem selfish but I hope this post can at least help my worthless heart.

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