Been alone four months short of twelve years now. Yup, November of 1999. Not so much as a date for a cup of coffee. Not one sweet kiss or soft warm hug. No one to wake up and face a new day. No one to share with, no one to play with.
Now I'm pretty much past the worst of it. Maybe even totally past it... They do say if you don't use it you lose it. Usually even the emotional part is very often only a brief passing thought. Yet Sunday evening the emotional was all I could think about. I was talking to someone and trying to help them with their problem of loneliness and danged if it didn't settle into me.
They had mentioned the love like the man who after three weeks had finally found his wife safe from harm. They mentioned the look in both their eyes as they were reunited. Even having lost everything they owned, they were just happy and felt blessed with each other.
I'm kinda getting old and may well never know that kind of feeling for someone. That fear is just there and there is not much I can possibly do about it. It's just a part of my life because of the choices I made and for better or worse, I'll live with it. Yet at times it causes some profound thought in my goofy mind.
I doubt there are many who could make the choice to be alone that I did and really stick to it. There are times I look back and wonder how I did. There were many lonely days spent while choking back tears filled with emotion. There have been many lonely winter days and nights filled with an emptiness that is beyond imagination. Meals fit for a king that were only eaten by a lonely ole fool. Many play times spent playing alone. Many warm evenings spent rocking alone on the porch.
However, I constantly see so many who clearly show they take their partners for granted. Kind of treat them the same as an old pair of favorite shoes. Only pay attention to them when the need arises. Only show they care when they need or want something from them.
Forgetting to do the little things that gives the other a warm smile and lets them know they still have value in their life. That their cared about. Even forgetting more important things like birthdays, Valentines day and such. Yet they expect them to be there when they get home.
Even an old cow who's hungry, thirsty, uncared for, but fenced in with barbed wire, will break a hole in the fence and look elsewhere for what it needs. It'll slice it's hide open, endure the pain and bleed to break free of it's cage and seek out the things it desires.
I can completely understand that. The overwhelming desire, thirst and hunger, will give any living creature courage to face it's fears and put up with any pain to get what it wants or needs.
But humans are not kept in barbed wire. Unless they have done something really bad, they are not kept in a pen or cell. The only thing between them and what they desire or need, is a door. A simple turn of a handle and they're free. Free to search for what the want or need.
I do not understand though. What makes the ones who take their partners for granted, think they won't lose what they have? What gives them the secure feeling that when they get home the partner will be there waiting. Or does even that thought never cross their minds?
It's an old saying, but oh so true.
You never know what you've got, til it's gone...
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