Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Will It Be As Perfect As You Think

It's been twelve years since I lost a lot of the use of my right hand. I miss playing my guitar as much as I once did.
Although I can still play there are many days I can't even finish a song. For one who gets joy from writing and playing his own songs that is torture.

I've exercised that right hand and it hasn't helped. Many times it makes it worse for a day or more. Even to the point where I can't hold things with it. I can be holding a glass and then suddenly it just falls from my hand. That's the reason I only use a big plastic cup for my coffee which is often with me throughout the day.
Nothing short of very risky surgery is expected to help.
Should the problem get too bad I will take the chance on surgery, but as long as I can still use it surgery makes no sense. The bad outcome of the surgery is that I may not be able to use it at all and even lose more.

After my morning chores and the walk to my daughters and back after the grandkids got on the school bus I came in with a song in my heart and on my mind. A very deep desire to play and write that song down. I picked up the guitar and tuned it, getting ready to play. Yah, by the time it was tuned my arm had had enough.

Sometimes during life we lose things. Be that from an injury, an illness or even by choice.
Many things are good to lose, like bad habits or unreasonable anger.
Some are a bother to lose but are things we can live without even though it hurts to lose them. Like my guitar playing.
But there are a few things we make a decision to lose because of responsibilities or necessity at the time and then find we can't seem to get them back.

I made such a decision long ago for the sake of my children. I didn't want or think it was good for them to have woman after woman coming in and out of their lives. But all these years later I find it may be what keeps me alone for the rest of my life.

Try as I might to be satisfied with just being the fool on the hill, observing life, learning and trying to help others with what I see and learn, watching as the sun goes down, there is a loneliness.

That loneliness doesn't keep me from smiling and having a good time as I go about my work and play. Doesn't keep me from loving and caring about the world and people on it. But it does leave a very unpleasant emptiness.

So my warning is to watch what you ask and strive for.
You may get it and then later find it's not what you want.

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