There are things you want in life and there are things you need.
Twelve years ago I had given up on finding the love of a woman and focused my life on raising my two youngest children. I had a good business going and that took up a lot of time. I also had this farm and that took up any spare time I could possibly find.
Admittedly over the first five of those years I felt actual pain from physical needs that had been filled on a pretty regular basis over the years before. But I slowly found those needs were not real needs. They were wants.
I gradually overcame them and life went on.
As I was busy working and raising my children I constantly ran into people who never had a smile on their face. They left their lives get them down and seemed to have forgotten how a smile can make you feel.
I was very aware of how my children made me feel when they made me smile. My daughter began my awakening when I was watching her watch a bird. I had forgotten the joy and interest of watching a bird.
I also watched as she and her younger brother looked on in amazement with pretty smiles their faces as they looked, really looked, at a flower. At trees, at wild and domestic animals. At clouds in the sky. At all this world has to offer that is free to look at and observe.
Things that as an adult I had forgotten and took for granted.
I began once again to see the beauty all around me. I began to feel the serenity of life. I began to smile more and feel the smiles more deep in my heart and soul.
As I would run into frowning people I would be smiling. I noticed that my smiles would turn their frowns into smiles. I began to take on the task of sharing all the smiles I could.
Then I started this blog to attempt to share the smiles and share things that made me smile and thoughts that helped me when something tried to erase my smile. The troubling things in life that I had worked through or had known someone who worked through and gave me advice when I needed it.
I didn't “need” a partner in life, that was just something or someone I wanted.
Then someone wandered into my life and began expressing how they had wanted a life like mine and all the things they would do if they had it. They were single too and soon I had very deep feelings for her. But then at the last minute she backed out.
There I was. Where I had been many years before. Hurting and having a hard time finding things to smile about. I've thrown myself into work around here and am still slowly healing.
I'm back to wondering what someone mentioned in a comment here on the blog in “Have To Make My Own Fun”. Why don't we give up on love. Our trust in others is smashed to pieces. Yah, what if it happens again...
I'd like to say I'll never be in that position again. I'd like to give up completely on love and never again have a thing to do with a mate in my life. I'd like to never again take a chance on feeling the pain of a broken heart. Yah, I'd like that.
But deep in the back of my mind I know that should someone right, with the right desires, the right hopes and dreams, near enough my age that I wouldn't feel like a child molester would come into my life and approach me I would begin the journey all over again.
I try to build my walls, but they crumble at the sound of a sweet voice speaking the right words.
Am I a sucker... Am I a fool... Am I that needy...
Or is it maybe that I know the elation and warm feelings of having someone to share life with. Someone to talk to at the end of a day. Someone to work with. Someone to have fun with. Someone who can understand me and can understand what I've learned and been through. Someone to hold me when I'm feeling low and things aren't going right. Someone to chat with and smile at when I begin my day.
I guess giving up is an option, but could one even if they wanted to...
I'd think the desire to have someone would override any decision to give up that anyone could have.
Some say they want to be alone. Nothing would make them happier.
I'd guess they are people who don't have much time on their own.
Heck I've felt that way at times during my life myself!
To them I say try being alone for a few years and see what ya have to say!
So my healing continues. I smile at the chickens I've gotten to replace the ones that were killed by wild animals. They're fun to talk to and watch. I call them when I get near and they scurry to where I am to greet me and hope for food. It's fun to watch them argue over who is the head of the pecking order. And now that they are settling in and getting comfortable with their new home they are even beginning to give me eggs. Fresh eggs! Free range eggs that have that deep dark yellow yolk because they eat what chickens are supposed to eat and get the benefit of lots of sunshine.
I'm able to take a few minutes here and there to watch and enjoy nature and let her give me smiles. Heck even breakdowns are beginning to make me laugh and smile again!
It's often said that people come into your life for a reason. Maybe, just maybe the reason for what happened this summer to me was to make me get back to the basics of why I smile so I could share it here on the blog where others could see and learn. Maybe it was just meant to be a distraction from my life.
I do believe that what we learn is to be shared or it's just a waste. I do believe that how we are inspired is how we can share.
There was a reader here who sent me an e mail. Said they didn't know why.
Well I certainly needed to hear your kind words. You getting that inspiration and sending that e mail has lifted my spirits. You made me smile on a day when I was feeling more like frowning.
It's not always easy to smile. At times it can really be quite tough. Yet the more we smile and share the smiles the easier it gets.
It's just not a smiling matter to give up! Every frown must be turned upside down.
So as I go about my day smiling like the Cheshire cat, how about you all help spread the smiles : )
Just another silly thought I had one day over the weekend while working.
I wonder if anyone else always thinks of Swisher Sweets cigars when they hear the name Clinton.
That guy sure knew how to make his swisher sweet!