It seems that loneliness hurts worse after it's been gone from your life for awhile.
I doubt that it is worse, but it feels worse.
There I was, twelve years into my loneliness but was quite content. I spent my days working, smiling and laughing. Very seldom did I actually feel alone. Then I allowed someone into my life who filled a lot of time with talking, sharing and laughing. Even deep thoughts were discussed. Dreams were discussed.
Now that didn't work out and the dread of feeling lonely has come back into my life to haunt me.
What's interesting though is that I never realized many of the ways it affected me.
It's tough to write a blog. Well tough in the sense that I don't want to share hurt. After all I'm a guy. We are not supposed to have feelings... Uh hu, BS.
So I'm spending most of my time finding all kinds of work that needs done. I figure that anything that keeps me busy, keeps my mind occupied and busy. Then if I get tired enough I can't waste time rehashing things in my mind and just fall asleep when I go to bed. Hey, what can I say? It's working.
I'm picking one bigger project and several smaller projects to do each day. Something that needs done and makes my life better.
I've also decided to find at least one beautiful and soothing thing about each day.
Find at least one thing each day that I smiled about. That's a bit tough when your hurting, but it's getting easier quicker that I suspected.
Another decision is to stay away from negativity and negative people.
If someone wants to commiserate and wants to start placing blame or bad mouthing in any way, I don't need that and will just shut down and walk away. After all how can you get past something when you refuse to let it go... I also had to walk away and quit talking to my son for a bit. He was in a sour mood and was being really negative. I need and want positive!
If I do find myself thinking bad thoughts about myself or the situation, I drop them like a hot rock and give myself a bit of heck for doing so. I'm refusing to let my mind go where I don't want it to go.
When I came up with this plan on Friday afternoon, I had originally given myself until August first. I figured that would make one month of mourning over what could have been but was decided against by someone else. Then I'd set my plan into action.
Strange thing is that over the weekend I feel I've made fantastic headway at healing!
I've been smiling even when I don't really want to. Even laughed a few times.
I simply can't believe it's working as well as it is...
There are still some moments when I catch myself grieving, but I'm getting past them quickly and then the smiles return. Not the huge smiles I like, more like little smirks. But hey, they count too!
I'm curious to see just how well this keeps working. Who knows. Maybe I have an outline that could help others!
After all when anything in life happens we need to learn from it and then use what we learn to try and help others.
So to heck with the bad feelings and on to the healing. Life is way to short to spend more time crying when I could be smiling and laughing.
Besides I'm getting a little to old to waste time feeling bad. I want the final chapter of my life to be a happy one. That is why I attempted to find someone to share it with. So hopefully it's back to the smiles and who knows, maybe someone else will want to share what I have and my life.
If not I do know that I was happy before and can be again!!!
I want to spend my time left having a great time in the playground!