Trust

With all the thinking I have done in the past and especially over the past eleven years, I can not answer one nagging question that rolls about in my mind. Trust.

In the past it's not been to hard to forgive people who have done things I didn't like and begin to trust them again. Never had trouble meeting someone and trusting them. Some never got to the point of trust but most do. It's never really hard either.

Forgiveness has never been a hard thing. The mother of my youngest children left me with them and I forgave her and even trusted her as a friend. There have been times where someone would really just take something of mine. AKA rob me. Them I forgave when they apologized, and I learned to trust them again.

People who have said things that hurt. Even lies that have been told. Those people were forgiven and I slowly trusted them once more. There have even been times the things said or done have left me feeling traumatized. But again I was able to forgive and learn to trust again.

There were things done and said by me, that after they were said or done left me feeling bad. I know the other people felt even worse. I'd ask for forgiveness and it would be granted. Then I eventually learned to trust that I would not be so foolish to do something like that again.

Forgiving has never really been an issue for me. I also could forgive but knew better than to ever forget. But there are some who we should never forget and turn our backs on, nor close our eyes to. There are just some really bad people. They too can change eventually. Should they make a change for the better, I can observe them long enough that I can learn to trust them. I've even done that!

Like I've said before, I have never been a good judge of character when it came to women. I could find the only shallow woman out of a room of a thousand and fall for her. Then be left alone and hurting again.

OK for a long time I was the guy who rode and partied in every free moment I could cram in. All that made me look like a shallow partying person. So yah, that's what those women thought I was and that's what they wanted. After finding out I wasn't that guy they split. I can totally understand that.

With that reasoning I have forgiven all that I have ever ran into since and can have friendly conversations with them. So even they can be trusted. There's nothing wrong with them. It's just that they and I want different things from life and have different ideas of what love is.

Now I've rolled all the past through my mind and have come to some really acceptable understanding of me. Made some changes in my life and kinda like who and what I've become. Over the past eleven years I even find I can trust myself not to return to the person I was. I can now go for a drink and do a little partying and then walk away when it's over and not return until I'm good and ready. If someone offers a beer, I can say give me some coffee.

The thing that runs rampant through my head is loneliness. It would be so nice to have someone to share in my day to day and sit on the porch with in my evenings. Someone to share coffee and conversation with in the mornings.

But I can not even begin to trust myself about letting someone that far into my life. I can't trust that I would know if someone were the right kind of woman or not...

Maybe it's just spring that has these thoughts working so madly in my head. Spring does that to most creatures. But I wish I could just bottle up these thoughts and toss them in the trash. They really are consuming me right now.

So that's why I can't seem to find anything funny from my mind. I'm being consumed by thoughts that I'm trying like mad to to just push back into the deepest places of that thing in my head.

But, I am still smiling! Heck, I see humor in it. A silly old fool working and even sitting around with thoughts like that... Goofy stuff like that should be far gone from an old guys mind. Guess some kids just never grow up.

So I hope you can laugh along and I'm hoping you smile too!

With Or To

Before getting to what I have to say, there is a new link on the right side of the page, under the Blogs I Like. It's Diary Of A Naughty Mom. Another really interesting and inspiring writer. I enjoy what she has to say and how she says it. So please check out her blog and see what you think. You will get a warning before you get to the page, but I really don't see why. Again, let me know if you would, what you think of that wonderful blog!!! Thank you!

Now on to today's thoughts.

Do you talk to your kids? Why? Do you like being talked to?

But you do like being talked with, don't you?

When someone talks “to” me I have this tendency to get defensive. I feel like they are ordering me to agree with what they're saying. Or even when being asked to do something, when I'm being talked “to” I begin to get a feeling that I should tell them to do it theirself.

My son and I were at a restaurant a few weeks ago. There was a father that was telling his little daughter to leave mommy alone while she ate. The child would listen momentarily, then go right back to pestering mom. Dad would again tell the girl to leave mom alone. It just went on and on.

I didn't say a word. But the memories of my own children rang in my mind. I tried the telling and it rarely would work. I adopted instead of telling, asking and giving a brief explanation why. Unbelievably they would understand and listen. Sometimes only longer than telling, but it helped. I would, if needed, reenforce what I'd explained before and eventually that worked very well.

There would still be times I would just have to tell. But they were few and were taken better by the kids.

I kinda think it's no different than adults. If someone tells us, we don't like it. But if they ask in a normal tone of conversation, we're usually very happy to do. When a boss does nothing but order, they're employees become disgruntled. Bosses I worked for who treated us with respect and talked with us were a pleasure to work harder for. Why would children be any different?

Just maybe if we talk with our children they too will be more willing to cooperate. They do have short attention spans and probably will need to have things explained again, but wouldn't that be a better way than just barking orders like a drill sergeant? With teens it may even lessen that rolling of eyes.

Ok, that is a stretch... Yet it's a possibility.

When feeling that you belong you tend to want to do things. When feeling like a slave being ordered ya don't. Why not give it a try. Hey, what have you got to lose? Why not let them know they belong and you care instead of ordering them like the family dog. That dog probably doesn't have the mental capacity to understand explanations, but children are human. They do.

Children are not dumb creatures, they are creatures with hearts that can hurt. So try talking with, instead of to. Give them the gift of belonging. Even if, they still do that eye roll... Heck, I sometimes do that to them.

I'm tired of seeing kids with frowns, I'd rather see kids with smiles!

So go find a kid and show them you care. Talk with them and share a smile!

What's That

Thought I'd return to a few of the questions I hear when some people stop by for a visit. Most leave me with a smile...

Eww, whats that smell?

My stock answer is, the other end of ice cream... That delicious milk and butter you enjoy... That's the smell that makes those tasty burgers you eat.

Now that may get some to not having a desire to eat any dairy or beef products for a while. But they'll be back. The human desire to eat great tasting food is very overpowering.

Yup. Cows eat food and produce milk that becomes our food. Cows eat a lot. No, I mean a lot... Well when a creature eats... It works its way through and comes out the other end. No different than a human other than a cow eats a lot more and the resulting outcome is far greater.

Personally, I don't think it's quite as bad of an aroma as humans leave wafting through the air when the results are realized. But... To each their own opinion.

Then when they see those results in a barn... You mean they ---- on the floor?

Well, no one has designed a toilet for them and they are still beasts. Don't think they'd use one if we did give them one. No they seem to enjoy giving me something to do.

You mean you have to clean that up, every day?

It don't clean itself. And I've tried asking them nicely if they would clean their own mess up. But just as a teen child, they ignore me. They are very good at that. Why if teens ever figure out just how good cows are at ignoring adult requests, we adult are through. And just like those teens, they always show you love when they want food.

Also like many teens, when you feed them and play with them they'll give you sweet kisses. But a kiss from a cow requires a towel to dry off. They must be French : )

Another like teen children they do, is poop all over you if you get in the way. When you see a cow begin to raise its tail... Run. Move in any direction except towards the cow. That stuff can splatter many, many feet away.

The back end of a cow is one real good place to stay away from. Sometimes only because they might not realize your there. Then when they do... They get excited and scared. That can bring on a swift kick you will remember for a really long time while you stare at an ugly painful bruise or even ache from a broken bone...

One I hear mostly from women, probably because they do most of the laundry, is how do you clean that off? : )

Not much different than cleaning diapers. If it is real bad you run to the hose and rinse all you can, away down the drain or outside onto the ground. You may walk around with wet pants for awhile. But it dries. Other than that, well you scrape off what you can. Then wash them. Same as dirty diapers. Yup, it all comes out in the wash.

But doesn't it stain? Sometimes it does. But isn't that why we have work clothes and good clothes... Stains will be stains will be stains. When you dedicate clothes for particular work, stains become less of a problem. Should you be like me and dumb enough to forget... Well you end up with more work clothes.

Like anything else in life. It's all attitude. If you don't want something to bother you, find a solution. Sometimes that solution is to just decide not to let some things bother you. There's always some kind of poop in everyone's life...

So now that I have “relieved” myself of these questions. : )

Go about your day and smile!

You probably don't have near as much poop in your life as I do...

The Touch That Needs Shared

In some it brings great pleasure, in some it brings depression, in others it brings addiction. It's not like the need for air. Not required like water. It's more like the need for good friends and meaningful conversation.

It's lack brings quiet desperation in some. That desire that wants fulfilled, but isn't. A desire so deeply implanted in the mind the soul aches, when it's not attended to. Yet we survive to live on in our desperation.

In some it can bring rage when the body out rules their minds with it's desires. Some get grumpy and complain endlessly. While some get angry and yell at everyone in sight.

In some it also brings out energy and the desire to work, so the mind doesn't have time to think. Going to bed alone again but to exhausted to lay awake, and think.

Some even turn to alcohol and drugs for an escape. Looking for something to numb the mind and body. Some run to clubs and bars in search of even a stranger, to help soothe the desires the loneliness brings.

Having someone who doesn't feel the need or care, someone that simply can't because of a medical problem, or just being alone with no one to share a body and the pleasure derived from it is an ache that reaches deeply into the soul. But the beginnings of intimacy is the creek that leads to that river which leads to that ocean in our souls.

Conversation with every word dancing on each others ears. Eyes that stay focused and are mesmerized. The playful games and funny laughs begin. Then the passionate kisses. The touch of hands in a soft caress. The build up of romance, then on to the steamy, all feeds and comforts the soul. Bringing happiness in it's full potentiality deep inside the mind. The joy to touch, or to be touched with passion, the feeling of closeness, feeling connected and safe, feeling loved, and desired. The secrets shared without worry by two! Secrets of mind and body, in the language of love. Words that can't be spoken at any other time than during the bliss that is shared by two. Be they teasingly with a whisper, or unhumbled demands with vengeance for more, to please the deepest needs. The moans of joy, the cries of pleasure when at last, fulfillment's attained. The feeling that no other world exists, but only the world, of the two in the moment.

All this helps make it through the daily challenges and grief. Helps to give the certainty that ones still alive. Makes a soul feel desired and wanted. Instilled with passion and comforted, filled with joy. Lets you know you can still feel, and give pleasure.

When that creek begins to run and ends up deep in the mind it becomes a tidal wave. Yet like any tidal wave, when it's over and gone, there is nothing but a mess. Surrounded by total loss and confusion.

Be it losing a life's partner or their ability. Being kicked to the curb and dumped. Even being abandoned and ignored by the one in your life. It leaves a soul in quiet desperation. Like losing a part of yourself, a part you can't imagine how to exist without. Yet as days, weeks, months and even years go by, we survive. The feelings and urges never die, but they become so pushed deep and hidden, smothered in the mind, that life, does become at least a little more bearable.

Replacing the love and intimacy with casual relationships or one night stands never works. There's always the deeply learned morals that creep up in the mind and destroy us even more. Leaving us feeling more confused and dismayed. There's the need to belong, not just play. You start feeling shallow. You become disgusted with what you've become. Maybe even bringing another life into a world of nothing but loneliness, hurt, and confusion.

Reaching out and finding a bed buddy to fulfill those desires, then trying to turn that into love. Only to find we're again hurt when we realize that they never felt love, they were just biding their time until something they felt better came their way.

Sadly there is no magic pill. No fairy godmother with a wand. Nothing, to heal that deep pain.

I truly believe the only thing that will help someone heal is looking within their own mind and learning once again what and who they were before that journey ever began.

Can it be done on your own... Maybe. If you can really look that deep on your own and with nothing but honesty with yourself. Then be able to discuss with yourself all you learn and add that to who you are today. But to do that, you'd have to become a hermit like me, with to much time on their hands. A life dedicated to being alone no mater how long it takes. A life hurt so many times that it can accept being alone, rather than take a chance of being hurt again. At the end of my tunnel, I've found tranquility! But also found a fear, that keeps me alone... Not a very good end for most...

Help is hard to find. But that is a pursuit worth all the effort it takes. Someone who “cares” for more than the money, and is trained to help you look deeply and then learn. Even someone that will take enough time, as you become comfortable enough to open and honestly say everything. But it could well be an answer.

Find those answers you need and you very well may have true happiness, not happiness that requires someone else. But the happiness you felt as a child. Then if and when you do find someone who fits your life, you may again find that feeling of one.

Surely it has to be better than doing more than kissing toads, while in search of one that will give you more than warts!

For some reason and I don't know why. I do have a little story playing in my head. But I feel compelled to leave this up all weekend. So unless some deeper feeling comes over me. I won't be posting tomorrow. So with all my heart to you, have a really warm and smiling weekend.

Things A Guy Should Remember

A few things were brought to my attention again yesterday while I was here on the internet and doing some reading. I can't remember the exact text but I will try to put what I read in words.

One was, the way that some guys yell at their wives.

It was said that while your yelling at your wife, there is some man who wishes only to talk sweetly to her.

Another was about how some men treat their wives.

While your slapping, punching or beating on your wife, there is a man who only wants to hold her and treat her like a lady.

There were probably more, but I honestly didn't look at them all that long. But I'll add a few more from my own mind.

While your ignoring the woman of your life, there is a man that wants to give her all the attention he can and would not for a second forget her.

While your not holding her hand, there is a man who will and be proud of her.

While your not giving her flowers, there is a man who would stop and pick her some from a field.

While your walking out in front of her, there is a guy who is watching that would walk with her and hold doors for her.

While your not giving her kisses, there is a man who would hold her and kiss her with warmth and passion like she deserves.

While your refusing her a pretty new dress, there is a man who would at least try and buy her the store.

While your not taking her out to dinner, there is a man who will take her to dinner, for drinks and dance the night away with her. Or will cook her a dinner. Then clean up after by himself for her.

While your not helping her do the dishes, there is a man who will help her and will help clean the whole house.

What would you do to keep your sweetheart in your life and not have her open to and thinking of the desires of another man?

If you don't believe they think about it maybe you should spend some time here on the internet reading some of the thoughts of women. Find out about how hurt they can be because some fool isn't showing them the love and respect they want and deserve.

What does your girlfriend or wife want from you? Now that's a question I hear when I'm around guys. Simple pal. Open your ears and listen to her. Spend an evening with her, instead of your buddies. Out with the guys or at a bar. Talk with her, and when she talks. Shut up and listen. Listen like your life depends on it. It does.

If your not listening there is someone who will and already may be. He probably feels sorrow for her and the plight your putting her through. He doesn't like to see her cry and will probably help dry her tears and make her smile. Then my friend. She'll be gone...

Where Do I Belong

On the home page for my sign in there is always that silly horoscope. I don't take these horoscopes serious and if and when I can remember them, they're wrong.

Promises of wealth... Yah, still waiting for that, since the first time I was told that by a horoscope, way back during my teen years. Many times since I might add.

The promises of love... Oh yah!!! But no, that doesn't happen either. Oh, I'm going to meet the perfect girl of my dreams and live happily ever after. Fat chance! Not a one of those ever happened either.

Promises of fantastic career moves... Only career moves that were good in my life were brought about by good old fashioned work, desire and perseverance. No horoscope, anything or any one gave me a thing.

So when I do bother to read one, which is usually when it catches my eye, I read it, then think, then smile. Here's one from just the other day.

“You probably aren't going to feel very social today, dear Capricorn. In fact, you're likely to want to work on projects and tasks alone if you can. This actually might be good for you as you probably need to concentrate on crossing certain things off your list without being distracted. Still, you should get out among others at some point during the day. You might want to be alone, but you'll still need to feel that you belong.”

OK, that first line, not going to feel very social today. Hmm, I never feel very social when I get outta bed. I like quiet and coffee. Unless it's warm out. Then I like coffee and listening to the birds while drinking in the earth as it awakes to a new day. Cows I like. They don't ask for much and are usually very happy just to see ya. The dogs and cat. Well they do greet you with tail wags and love you, at least until you feed them and then they fall asleep.

Now after I'm awake and ready for the day. I'm always feeling very social. So that's a bunch of bull.

Work alone??? No way, I never “want” to work alone. It is just something that needs to be done. I look at work as play and having playmates makes it that much more fun. And no, it's never good for me to work alone, I get to bored and begin to daydream. When that happens I start to wonder from one task to another. Having someone to work with keeps me from doing that. No it's eleven years of being alone that makes me the mess I am. My own brain is my distraction!

As for the lists, I do make lists for important things that must be taken care of, if I remember... They do get accomplished better that way. Even when my mind begins to wonder I can refer to the list to get back on track. But all the other little things don't need a list. No, they're more like having a nagging partner. Every time you look around they scream at you to get something done. But I don't have to listen. So see, there are benefits of being alone : )

Want to be alone? I'm not sure anyone wants to be alone. For myself it's just a given that others have a life too. They need to do their things and can't always find the time to be hanging around me. As for a female partner in my life. Well, all I can find and pick are very shallow women and I end up alone anyway. So why bother. I just accept that I will spend whatever is left alone and get on with living.

Feeling that I belong... What a thought. I feel like I belong when with my kids and their families. Feel like I belong when with the grand kids. Feel like I belong when at gatherings. Usually. Belonging with a life's partner... Ehh, probably not.

I do, though, have a feeling of belonging when I'm with the critters. Like me, they're dumb enough not to know to expect the worst from anyone and just love them all. Unless hurt. So we have a connection there.

I feel I belong when I'm out in the fields or woods. Being just another creature on Gods green earth. Exploring and being amazed by all that's there. Smelling all the different wonderful smells. Seeing the majesty of huge trees or even tiny wildflowers. Enjoying the feeling of laying on grass while watching the clouds to find what shapes I may see. The heat of the sun shining down on my body. Even the feel of a crisp chill in the air. If I want, singing and dancing in the rain. (thanks Gene Kelly)

Then I smile, because I've gotten to think and remember, what it is to be me.

Nope, Not Worth It

Don't know just how to approach or start this post. So I'm just going to start typing and see where it goes. I will say it borders on adult but isn't quite there.

The old guy goes bad boy.

There I was hanging out on the internet at a site I frequent when I received an interesting e mail from a lady. I open it and wow! Was I surprised. Well I closed it and moved on. Little bit later I heard from a great friend and we chatted a long while. But it is the kind of friend you may find only once in a lifetime.

After chatting and signing off I had a bite to eat and more coffee. It was a beautiful day and was the first really warm day of this year. So I walked out and sat on the porch. As I sat listening to the birds and enjoying the smells of spring I couldn't get that e mail out of my mind. But I am a very curious kinda guy. And I did wonder about the kind of thing that the e mail was leading to.

So thanks to that curiosity I returned to the couch and signed back on line. Who knows, this could even lead to a interesting blog post. I mean I'm sure that others wonder, because I hear the topic come up quite a bit. So OK, I'll do it for research! Sorry don't let the BS fool you. It was curiosity.

I opened the e mail and proceeded to read beyond where I had read before. Yup. I was right. Some one was trying to goad me into on line uhh, shall we say thrills. Like I said, I'm curious. Always wondered what anyone would see in that. So I mustered up all the romance and sweet talk I could and replied.

Spent the entire afternoon messaging back and forth. Keeping it civil but bordering on raunchy. Sometimes really stretching that border. The kind of stuff you would read in those really passionate love stories. Which is something else I don't get... The e mails would at times fly like lightening and at other times were a bit slower. Hey, my head just don't keep up real well with that stuff. But... I have been alone a long time and have given up.

I wanted to do some copy and paste and show you some but... There is none I would have on this blog that anyone could see. No way. There was a bit of copy and paste I did, but what was there didn't make any sense without the rest. So that was of no use at all. My way of seeing it. That's bedroom talk and when out of that room is nothing but filth.

OK, so there is a bit of prude in me. Laugh if ya want. I would!

But what I did find was that I was absolutely right in my previous assumption that internet uhh, thrills, were not as thrilling as some try to lead you to believing. They really are just stupid. Now yes, I'm still a man with all the feelings I had when I was a teen. I do have better control now that I'm older but the feelings are still live.

I did not! Feel any excitement at all. Never felt hot under the collar for any reason other than it was getting hot outside and the house was warming up. Even my son who passed in and out of the house quite a bit said how dumb it seemed when I would show him the e mails. Matter of fact he said something about that being the kind of girl you definitely wouldn't want.

I'm proud of that boy, err, young man.

So there it is, my experiment led by curiosity, and how I still see the answer to internet uhh, thrills.

Dumb, stupid, can not bring any real enjoyment. Another thing I'll add though. In my honest opinion, any one who would get thrills from something like that would probably be someone to stay away from. Ya just never know what ya might get that even strong cleanser won't scrub off. It would also not be the girl you'd want to take home and introduce to momma. She'd probably knock your ears off.

I will experiment with about anything, but for now, there is to much disgust in my head to try anything. At least for a while.

So smile at yet again, an answer to a question that has so many wondering.

I can't believe I did that and worse I can't believe I'm telling anyone let alone, the world... I need some serious help...................................................